TALES FROM THE BELLY FLAP

I have been curvy since I was an adolescent, I vividly remember the very first time somebody called me fat I was in the 4th grade and it devastated me. It was like they had been waiting the entire year to call me fat. It was like everybody was thinking it but nobody would say it, but once somebody did, It was open season on the duck farm! I got in more trouble that year. I lashed out in all kinds of ways I would fight and I started cursing people out in the 4th grade. When I got to the 5th grade it became a whole new ball game. My mother would threaten me every morning after breakfast by telling me that I had just eaten my last meal if she had leave her job and come up to my school because I was showing my......! The problem wasn’t that I was misbehaving, I just wasn’t really focused. I was being teased a lot for various reasons my weight being the biggest. I became depressed throughout much of my elementary and middle school years with no one to turn to and no one to make me feel like more than just some fat kid. Then there came the day that I decided that I didn't want to be  "fat" anymore so the summer before I turned  14 I decided I was going to start working out. I walked every where I could. Which was hell! in the Texas heat but even still I kept it up and never asked my mom to drive me anywhere. I started eating healthier and before the end of the summer, I had lost 25lbs. I was on a high that I had never been on before. I went shopping got some new clothes and went back to school on the first-day beaming.I walked through the front doors as if I was gliding I felt so good. I hadn't even made it to my first class that day before it all came crashing down, in fact, some bodies god awful child walked up to me as I was putting my things in my locker and made the remark that they didn't know that the particular brand of clothing I was wearing went up to a size that big.So guess what happened I went right back to feeling like nothing but the fat chick in high school only now I had new clothes that I didn’t even want to wear anymore. Because my I had no foundation for loving the skin I'm in my confidence was in a sense, false! You see at that time I weighed 198lbs after my weight loss and at 5'3" I was still fat in their opinion. Compared to the rest of the students at my southern predominantly white high school I was, and so I just gave up, I went right back to bad habits and before Christmas break, I had gained every pound back. I became desperate for attention and started making some wrong choices. Back then calling chat lines was super popular. So one night when my high school best friend was over we decided to call it. I didn't realize that you could talk to anybody all over the Dallas area, not just my local peers. A whole new world opened up to me and I began plotting. We played around on it for a while and left it alone, but after she left I called it back. I decided that I was going to be whoever I wanted to be on the phone. I would describe my self as "Thick in the waist, but cute in the face" I would try to sound as sexy as possible. With the hopes of getting the attention I was seeking, and you know what, it worked but in all the wrong ways. I was getting so many messages and giving my number to so many guys I thought I was the ish! Then it progressed to sending pictures in the mail ( This was not the technological smart phone time that it is today). Now I have always been way more than blessed in the boob department, to the point that is wasn’t fun or cute to me. But I found out quickly that a lot of guys didn’t seem them that way. So it was no surprise when they would start begging me to meet them. Me being a naïve teenager, I got excited that I was thought attractive so it progressed to meeting them at various places around the city with my friends in tow, to meeting them alone. I would always tell them I had on something other than what I was actually wearing. Hoping I would spot them first and bail if I needed to. I'll never forget the time that I showed up to meet this boy and everything seemed fine at first, we walked around the popular downtown restaurant area and then went to the movie we had made plans to see. The movie had barely begun and he stated that he was going to run to the bathroom, He was gone for a long time and just as I was about to get up to go see what the deal was, he stepped back into the movie theatre and came and took his seat next to me. He then proceeded to lean over and whisper this into my ear. " You know you kind of lied to me you are little more than thick your kinda fat and I don't do fat girls, I was going to leave but I didn't want to do you like that because you are still a pretty girl and your nice, but I can't do you, so you have a nice life." He then got up and walked out. I sat there trying to recover from his words I felt as though I had melted into the seat, and turned into some sort of slime that had some how managed to put on clothes. My feelings had never really been hurt like that before, I had never actually cried behind ugly words. But this somehow was different, it cut me in a way that I couldn’t explain back then. I was so embarrassed I felt frozen in my seat. I was sure everyone was staring at me and I was positive that the entire movie theatre heard the words he whispered in my ear. I eventually gathered myself and went home. I didn’t talk to anyone for a long time and just went back to being the invisible fat girl in high school. Now I'm sure you're wondering what this has to do with anything, well I'll just tell you. As a person who has lived in a curvy body my entire life, there have been so many times, that I wished that I had someone in my life that was a warrior for me. I wished that someone would have been there to listen and help me become the best me I could be, in the skin that I was in. I spent so much time yearning for an outlet even into my adult life, that I eventually acted out. I have decided to be that person. I will continue to be the person that I wished for my entire life and not just for teens but for all curvy girls and women from toddlers to senior citizens. I will be that voice. I will be your outlet. If Anyone reading this feels alone in their body or if you know and love someone who may be at risk for this type of negative behavior. Take 2 seconds out of your day to tell them they are beautiful. Take time out to show them not only your love but their value. It will make a difference in that person's life in a way you can't even begin to understand. I know that if I had been getting the positive attention that I needed at home or from anywhere, then I wouldn’t have been looking for it else where. If I had known my worth there would have been no reason to try and be someone I'm not, because I would have been comfortable in my own skin. Be the change you want to see. So as I've said before I'm no Guru I'm just a girl who has walked in your shoes. So until next my loves, DON’T JUST KEEP IT CURVY, KEEP IT CONFIDENT